We got back (most) of the results of the tests that the kidney guy ordered for Christian today. Everything was normal. Some of that is really good news, seeing as how the kidney guy said that that probably meant that Christian's kidney disease was not going to be a big problem like it could be. Chances are, he'll probably never have kidney failure. This also means that, unless something changes, he won't have to worry about having a biopsy, something that he was very glad to hear.

Unfortunately, some of that's also kind of bad news. Ever since the hospital, Christian has been feeling absolutely exhausted and has had back pain and achy muscles. He sleeps 12 hours a night, if he lets himself, and he's pretty much worn out after being up for 4-6 hours. So the doctor ordered a test to check the function of his thyroid and to check for anemia. They were all normal, which I suppose is good in a way, but that also means that we don't have an explanation for what has been going on and we don't know how long it's going to last and if it's going to get worse. Now, instead of knowing what it is, we get to go to lots more doctors and get lots more tests and sit around waiting by the phone with bated breath, hoping to hear some sort of explanation. Yuck. Christian's going to be going up to rheumatology next. Won't that be fun.

This has been making me pretty worried about finances, which is something I tend to worry about a lot, because Christian was supposed to be working extra this summer and he doesn't even have the energy to work as much as he was during school. We just got back from an expensive vacation, so this is a Bad Thing. Unfortunately I think this worry sometimes overrides my empathy for how he is feeling, and I know that doesn't make him feel very loved.

He doesn't even understand why I am so worried, though. He thinks that there is no reason for us to expect this to last much longer or get any worse. I have to say, though, that my reserve of optimism when it comes to things health related is pretty much exhausted. I'm all worried, though, that things will get worse and he's eventually not going to be able to work at all and I'm going to have to take over all of the financial support, not to mention everything else.

I think I'm beginning to appreciate how tough it must be to be the spouse of someone who is really ill. The person who is really ill feels awful and there's a lot of pain and they are probably having to deal with their own mortality. However, the spouse also has to deal with the pain indirectly, and with the spouses mortality, plus take over all the responsibility for the day to day things that need to be done. I'm not sure if Christian falls into the "really ill" category yet, but it's pretty stressful nonetheless.

I've never been very good at seeing people I love hurt (not that anyone is). This sort of stress always seems to express itself in dreams. Lately I've been having dreams where Christian is dead or just plain never was and I'm having to deal with the scary world all by myself. When I was younger and dealing with my mom being sick, I had this really terrible dream that still scares me to this day. The house was on fire, except the fire was these really dark blue flames that didn't illuminate anything at all. I ran out of the house, but then I realized that my mom was still in the basement of the house, so I ran back in to get her. She couldn't walk and, even though I struggled, I wasn't strong enough to pick her up. She told me to leave and save myself, and eventually I went, with tears streaming down my face. When I woke up I felt so terribly sad, and I still do whenever I think about it. You don't have know about dream analysis to figure out what that one meant.

This weekend we're going to be canoeing with the family, so hopefully we'll come back a bit more relaxed than we left. Here's hoping.