I've decided that I'm going to keep a notebook with me this week so that I can jot down journal entry ideas and then try to write an entry every day this week. I'm always thinking of good things to write about, and then completely forgetting about them when I sit down at the computer. I usually come up with them when I'm out walking, which is when I usually get a chance to really think about things. We'll see if I enjoy writing more often. I expect I probably will.

One of the things that I most enjoy about having a journal, especially if I write in it often, is being able to go back to it years later and really see first hand what I was thinking back then. Even though I have memories of my past, I find that I forget how my mindset really was back then. I even enjoy going back and reading old emails that I've written. I was thinking today about how interesting it would be if I had kept a journal during, for example, my early college years.

However, I DO have my webpage from my freshman year in college, The Anti-Socialist Page. It's not a journal, but it is a revealing, funny, and rather sad look into what life was like for me 4-5 years ago. Wow. I totally can't believe that that was me. It reads somewhat like the webpage of a dorky teenager who puts up a whole bunch of things that no one but their friends would possibly find interesting, but with some funny and well written parts thrown in. Of course, I'd like to think that my writing has gotten better and perhaps somewhat more pertinent since then, but I'd imagine in another 5 years I'll be looking back on this stuff with a mix of nostalgia and disbelief.

Of course the best thing about having written material to look back on, is it allows one to experience some healthy nostalgia, which most people enjoy, without taking it too far. For some reason, it seems to be a human fallibility to spend too much time looking at the past or the future, without spending enough time in the present. And oddly enough, when looking back, we seem to have amnesia when it comes to the bad stuff. Pictures only make things worse, of course. As one of my friends once noted, no one ever takes pictures of the bad time, only the good. I'm tempted to look back on my teenage years and think about how great it was to laugh with my friends, without having to worry about so many responsibilities. I was young and free with everything in front of me, and it was wonderful.

Looking at my old webpage brings me back to reality. I was achingly lonely and depressed beyond all belief. So were a lot of my friends. I cried myself to sleep for hours nearly every night. I had a schizophrenic self-esteem, where I managed to think that my intelligence made me better than most everyone else, while at the same time thinking I was the most terrible person in the world. I hurt my parents and many other wonderful people who didn't deserve it. I engaged in varying degrees of sexual activity with a long line of guys, and even a girl, desperately looking for some sort of affirmation and love. I was, in short, miserable.

So because of old material, I'm able to think about the good parts of my past, without forgetting the bad parts of life. I'm able to be thankful beyond measure to God for the fact that I got out of all that. Things may be a bit more boring now, but they are much better too. Of course, the me of 4-5 years ago probably would have been somewhat contemptuous of the me now. It's a good thing we can't look into the future, or we'd all just walk around absolutely horrified all of the time.

I can't believe I'm calling my life boring with everything that's happened lately, but that's how it seems at the moment. Here's hoping life gets a lot more boring soon.