I see having this journal as an opportunity to talk about things in a way I've never talked about them before. There have been some parts of my life that I've discussed with other people, but I've always felt like there were certain facets that I never got to focus on. So I'm going to get into a few of those as the come to me.

When I was a freshman in college, I was forced to live in the dorms. School policy. I guess they want to make sure all the new people don't get overwhelmed. I was not very excited about it, though. I hadn't shared a room since I was a toddler and I like my privacy. To make matters worse, no one that I knew well enough to share a room with was going to be going to MU, so I had to settle for the luck of the draw. My roommate turned out to be pretty nice, though. She was from a small town in the north part of the state and was here working towards an agriculture degree. Because of our different interests she probably wasn't a person that I would have been real good friends with if we had just met in a class, but she was a great roommate and I had a lot of respect for her. She was very smart, and it turned out we had both gone to Missouri Scholars Academy the same year. (A program where they have about 300 high school sophomores up to MU during the summer for classes and things of that sort.) She was also a hard worker. She was taking a lot of hours, working a job on campus, and driving home during the weekends where she also had a job. She was a pretty nice person, as well. Although we were both quite busy, I did enjoy talking to her when we were both around. She was just great all around, except for one thing…she had a total bastard for a boyfriend.

I knew he was a jerk from the first moment I heard about him. They weren't even going out at the beginning of the year. I forget the exact reason why. He was trying to convince her to get back with him though. Every time she went home for the weekend she would have a new story about some sexual or emotional advance he had made towards her. After a short while it worked; they were back together again. Soon after they were engaged and had bought a trailer back home to live in. (Incidentally, that was when she got the weekend job back home, so she could support his sorry unemployed butt.) I don't quite remember where in this timeline I met him for the first time, but the meeting merely reinforced my opinion. However, I could also see why she was with him. He was smooth; easy to talk to, confident, and very manipulative. It was kind of scary. Henceforth he became a more regular visitor on the weekends. I commonly referred to him in my emails at the time as "my roommate's fat snoring boyfriend."

Shortly after the beginning of the winter semester, my roommate invited me to go home with her over the weekend. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it was her boyfriend's idea. While I was there and my roommate was at work, he raped me. Afterwards he pretended like nothing had happened and I waited an agonizing 24 hours till I could go home again. I thought that we had just had sex for a while, till one morning a month or so later. I had stayed up real late working on an assignment and had just gotten back to bed when my roommate and her boyfriend walked in and left again. A little while later I woke up again and he was in the room. I guess my roommate had gone to class and left him there. I pretended to be asleep and he didn't say anything, but I was absolutely terrified. I had seen him several times since it had happened, but never alone and never in such a vulnerable state. That was when I finally admitted what had happened hadn't been "just sex." I told my parents and I asked the building administrator to be moved to a different room so that I could sleep without having nightmares anymore.

My roommate found out I was moving before moving day. She was very mad and upset. She confronted me and said, "I guess I'm too much of a bitch to live with." I didn't know how to say what needed to be said. I still felt guilty for ruining their relationship, even though I knew the same thing would have probably happened whether I was there or not, and most likely already had. I left her a note telling her what happened. I'm glad I wasn't there when she asked him about it, if she ever did. I don't want to know what lie he told her. I know she probably thought I was trying to steal him away, though. I never talked to her after that, but whenever I walked by and she was talking to her friends, she would talk loudly about how wonderful he was. Ironically enough she also turned out to be friends with my new roommate, which probably explains the shoddy treatment I received from the new roommate despite her pleasant greetings when I first moved in. (But that's another story all together.)

After that I was somewhat obsessed with her. Like I said, I never talked to her after that, but I used to go look at my old door and wonder how she was. Even though she probably hated me, it was like we were both victims of the same crime and it would be wrong to get over what happened to me while she was still with him. And I imagine in the three years since then he's been up to his usual tricks. I haven't seen her since the end of my freshman year. I know they got married though, because her name changed to his in the MU records database. Likewise I also know that she hasn't dropped out yet. I was afraid that might happen. She might have gotten pregnant or dropped out just to support him, who knows. I hope she graduates. Much as I hate divorce, I hope she leaves him. It's unlikely, but I hope he changes. That's the one thing that was left after I got over the pain and the guilt and the fear, worry for her. I got away, she didn't.

I read books about getting over rape afterwards, and they helped a lot This particular symptom, worrying about the rapist's significant other, was never mentioned, though. It seems like it would be more likely, seeing as how the majority of rapes are committed by an acquaintance. It also seems like it is pretty rare to have a reaction to something that no one else has had before. I've never heard of this one before, though, which is why I wanted to talk about it a little.

Today I have some pictures of the sky before a storm.